Finding God’s grace in the storm He gave us

As a little girl, I always attended church. Every Sunday and every Wednesday evenings, every week. As I grew older, I grew away from that life.

At the age of 19, I found myself to be pregnant. Such a glorious time in my life, however I was also alone. The father of my baby apparently did not want to be a part of our lives so a single mother I became. Now this baby girl became my pride and joy.

When she 2, I began dating a guy. He and my little girl grew very close and we did as well. Everything seemed so perfect during that time. I managed to make myself a sweet little family that I was very much proud of.

This guy and I were married in 2008, and had our first child together in 2009. Going from a family of 3 to a family of 4 was probably the most difficult time in our marriage. Here we are, still learning about each other and now we have to work together at raising an infant. But we accomplished the task and I gotta tell ya, it was NOT easy at all.

We had our 2nd child together in 2013. This time around was much easier. We both had grown and our other 2 girls were such big helpers. As they grew more and more, we decided together that our oldest (mine with someone else) should be officially adopted by my husband. So in September of 2015 we made that happen. That was a very special time for our family.

Sounds perfect, right? Everything just went so easy peasy. Falling into place like it should. Not at all did it happen that way. During all of these beautiful things happening around us, there was and still is a destructive thing in our marriage that has been  destroying us slowly but surely. So in 2015, I decided I needed Jesus in my life. Not just in my heart, but in every aspect of my life. It was a hard decision but it needed done. So I started praying daily, I read my Bible, did Bible studies, started praying with my kids at dinner and bedtime, and read christian books about becoming a christian wife and mother. I thought that was my answer and all would be fixed, but it wasn’t.

My marriage had  been struggling for some time now. But I thought for sure if we had Jesus in our home, we would be ok. The only thing, my husband was not cooperating with me. He wasn’t doing what I wanted/needed him to do. He wasn’t giving up the destructive path he had taken for so long. This was obviously not going as I planned so I became the nagging, complaining, and angry wife. Not a pretty picture but I was determined to make my husband see this destructive thing was killing us and it needed fixed. I prayed hard, I prayed so hard for him and for our marriage everyday…then one day….it hit him. After a huge ugly fight, it finally hit him hard. There needed to be a change and he was taking the steps to do so. He was following Jesus, praying,  and was becoming what I needed. I saw an amazing christian man form before my eyes.

Until, it all changed AGAIN. Sstan crept right back in. You see, he stopped following Christ, he stopped reading his Bible, he was letting Satan take over his life all over again. This just couldn’t happen so the nagging, complaing, angry, not so pretty wife came back. Then God let me know this is not what He’s been teaching me. This is not His plan for us. This will not help my husband or our marriage. So, here we are in a marriage in need of Christ’s love and grace. Trying to figure out our place and loving each other at the same time.  We are all in need of Christ’s love and grace.  I believe with God, all things are possible. We will destroy Satan’s place in our home and marriage. He will not conquer us and he shouldn’t conquer you!

God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing. All you need is Faith.                                             Joel 2:25

 

How can I have positive thoughts in a marriage so distant?

Wow…..it has been a while since I have made a post. 
First off, marriage is tough. As well as my husband is doing with his addiction to porn, we are still not at a great level in our marriage.  Actually, I feel more apart than ever before. We fight and argue constantly…it’s exhausting. 

Secondly, I know I should be praising him everyday, but instead, I am being angry and bitter because of the scars that were left. I have forgiven. I have let go of my anger towards his addiction and the lies that went along with it. Now, I’m struggling with the thought of him pleasuring himself/masturbating. Crazy right? But Seriously…when does it end? When will my thoughts just let me rest? 

Sexual intimacy is pretty much non existent and super hard for me, mainly because of thoughts I have of myself and thoughts Satan just keeps trapped in my mind. I swear, he just loves me being miserable. I want to punch the devil in the face. 

Along with masturbating, come thoughts and fantasies. Fantasies that probably don’t include me. So while my husband is pleasuring himself, I struggle with “what’s he thinking about?” “who is he thinking about?” “what porn star does he wish I was more like?” 

I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I am trying so hard to not lose faith. To not let Satan take over again. I can’t let him win, I have come so far in finding myself after my husband’s addiction destroyed every single ounce of me. 

My brain is tired. My brain is exhausted. I. Am. Exhausted. Please God….take over my thoughts. Take over it all. I can’t worry about it anymore. 

In need of marriage encouragement?

Everyone could use some encouragement during difficult struggles in their marriage. Some may want to give up and head for divorce (i was one of those). But it doesn’t have to be that way. If you are in need of some lifting up ir prayer, please check out my page.

https://www.facebook.com/devotedchristianwife/

And if you would like, you may join my group page on Facebook……Christian Marriage Encouragement. A place where women can post questions or struggles or advice about things in their marriage. Anyone is welcome!!! Thank you for joining and/or just stopping by! Have a blessed day!!!

Dear Lord, help the ones with a sexual addiction

Dear Lord,

     There is so much sin and temptation in this world. I ask that you keep our husbands hearts and minds pure.  Lord, if they have a sexual struggle, or sexual addiction,  please help them to turn their hearts back to you. I ask that families are protected and husbands and wives are protected. Sexual sin and addiction is such a hard thing to get away from, please show them true love. Help husbands to be respectful to their wives. Help them to show love to their wives. Help them to always choose you first. Lord, lift up these people tangled up in this temptation whether it be lust, pornography, acting out sexually, whatever the case Lord, help heal their hearts!!! 

                                            Amen

Moving forward and encouraging other wives!!!! 

When I was lost myself during my marriage, I felt like no one understood what I was going through. It was a lonely and depressing time for me. So I not only turned to God, butvI found blogs and articles and all kinds of things about other marriages going through the same stuff as mine. It was such a relief.

Now that we are moving through the same into a new direction, I have faith that God will carry us through. I took to Facebook a couple times to share a little bit of our marriage struggles. I did not reveal the WHOLE situation, nobody knows its a Porn Addiction. After some positive feedback about being open and honest with our marriage struggle, my husband had an idea.

For the first time in our whole 8 yearsof marriage, he encouraged to do something. He encouraged me to make a Facebook page for encouraging women and thrir marriages. To never give up hope when you’re at a loss. I wasn’t sure about it, so I prayed about it. 

On Saturday, I took the leap. I created a page, then took to Facebook again…only this time I was letting everyone know about my new page and what it was for. I am surprised to say I had a lot of great positive feedback. 

God really does take broken things and restores them just like scripture says. I just hope I can reach at least 1 woman, so she doesn’t lose herself and head for divorce just like I did. 

If you would like to join my new page you may do so at Devotedchristianwife 

I lost myself during my husband’s porn addiction, but I became a Warrior

I was completely devastated. I felt completely ruined. I needed to change myself, so my husband wouldn’t want to watch porn anymore. So I shopped for new clothes, thinking..well this will make me feel better, this will make him look at me, this will make me beautiful. But it was a lie.

Nothing helped me. Nothing helped us. I spent countless hours crying over his porn addiction and his dishonesty, and how angry I was. But mostly I cried because I felt so ugly, so unloved, so uncared about. Daily I told myself I was fat, ugly, and it’s no wonder he liked porn better. Satan was grooming me and I had no idea. He was whispering things in my ear that was going to destroy me.

The more I let Satan plant his thoughts in my head the more depressed about myself I became. I remember thinking “it would be better if I wasn’t even here.” I hated myself. I hated how I looked, how I felt, and worst of all I hated my husband for making me feel these things. I hated my life. I forgot who I was. Those words of suicidal toughts killed my husband and he kept telling me to seek some help, but I am stubborn so I didn’t. I just continued the path I was going. Satan just kept crushing me. (now please know, I NEVER tried to kill myself and I never will, I was just so depressed it made more sense to me)

Throughout this whole blow up of our marriage and my self esteem from his porn use, I tried my hardest to stay connected to God. I prayed and cried out to Him daily. I was just so angry and felt destroyed. I often asked myself, Why? Why was God doing this to me, to my husband, to us? Why was he letting me hate my life? What if my husband decides to leave me? These thoughts consumed my every waking hour, and sometimes they haunted my dreams causing me to lose countless hours of sleep.

I lost myself during that time. I thought the most negative things about myself that a woman could possibly think. I was overwhelmed. Defeated. Lonely. Sad. Angry. Resentful. Bitter. I was destroyed. During the darkest moments of my husband’s porn addiction, I chose to lean on God. He became all I had left. He had to be comfort, He had to be what I needed and He did just that. He never gave up on me. He never left me.

As I stand here today, I feel wonderful. The way God has worked in my life is so unbelievable. Turning and leaning on Him was the best decision I have ever made and completly changed my life. I know I am beautiful because He made me. I know I am loved because He says so. I am no longer in the chains of hating myself. I can now look at myself  and think positive thoughts. I still have a lot to work through but I am getting there. I have become fierce. I have an overcomer. I am a Warrior.

How my marriage overcame my husband’s porn addiction. 


It has been a while since I have written. Within all of these months, my marriage has been a battle to say the least. I have written a little bit about it, but today I am going in full detail. So get ready, it might get crazy. Here we go……..

My husband has been dealing with a porn addiction. (apparently that’s a real thing and not just some excuse when you get caught.) Porn has been in my husbands life since his teen years and he is now in his early 30s. So it’s been a really long time for him. Porn has been in our lives together for 9 years (we’ve been married 8).

Our marriage had a struggle before we even had a marriage. I knew my husband watched Porn and looked at other women in a lustful way, but I tried to ignore it and told myself it wasn’t a big deal. He’s a guy and that’s just what they do. It wasn’t physically hurting me, so it was ok.

As the years grew more and more, the more I thought of this Porn situation. It made me angry. It made me furious. It hurt me to the deepest core of my being. His porn watching was destroying me in ways that I never knew was even possible. I lost all my self esteem. I lost myself. 

We fought for years about it, and every time he said he would stop or it wasn’t a big deal or I should just get over it. But there was no way I was letting this go. Fight after fight after fight, nothing was changing however, I still wasn’t letting this go. I needed a husband that loved me. I needed a husband to only look at me. I needed a husband to choose me. I needed to be first in his life, over his phone, over his work, and mostly over his stupid porn. So I decided since he wasn’t going to change then I needed to change.

I decided in 2015, to be a follower of Christ. Hands down, the best decision I have ever made. God has led me to wonderful and glorious things. However, there was still a wrecked marriage that was on the path to divorce that God just wasn’t fixing.

Well…..this spring my husband got rid of his smartphone and returned to an old fashioned flip phone. That was a great step, HUGE even. So I admit, I felt a small sense of reluef. He also started going to counseling.  Awesome counsellor, I am very happy with her. However, I felt like things weren’t really improving because the things she suggested for him to do……he wasn’t doing them. He would tell me about her suggestions and their conversations but he just wasn’t applying anything she said to his life. It was a long summer of arguments, anger, resentment, sadness, frustration. And if you think I forgot to add not trusting, think again. It was left out on purpose because well…..there hasn’t been any trust.

In August we had a huge fight about why he wasn’t doing what the counselor suggested. Why couldn’t he love me? Why couldn’t he just be honest with me. Why am I not worth the truth? It was a very long night. We went to bed, me angry of course, but I felt that I had gotten through to him just a little bit.

A couple days later he had left his flip phone home. I for some reason on that day, just had a bad feeling, so I went through his phone. I found quite a bit of  pornographic pictures, and I was livid. I prayed instantly, but I just couldn’t calm myself down. I was so hurt and so angry that I knew at that moment…..I wanted a divorce. I was done. So I took our kids and went shopping, killing some hours before he would be home from work. 

When I got home, it was rough as you can imagine. My feelings of anger just swirled all around, my body was shaking, I had trouble breathing, I was furious. I went to where he was and asked if he had anything to tell me. He said yes, but wouldn’t tell me exactly what because he knew that I knew what it was. 

At that moment…..I was done. Done fighting, done being hurt, done with our marriage….I wanted a divorce. As he sobbed, I didn’t care. I had no feelings left to feel, except anger. That night (without my knowledge at the time) he fully gave himself over to Christ. 

The next day we didn’t talk much. He decided to attend a Celebrate Recovery meeting at our church for his porn addiction. When he came home…..he told me all about it, but I didn’t show too much interest until he said….”I’m going to make you change your mind!” 

From that day…..it has been a struggle. A day by day adventure. But I am proud to say things are getting better. He did change my mind. God is getting us through this mess the devil put us in. Temptation will always be an issue for my husband, but I have to trust God’s will for us. When I was ready to give up…God said no…just be still! He did a miraculous thing for us and for that, I will always be grateful. I now am grateful for that struggle we have gone through. It still hurts at times, but God quickly reminds me….that struggle, that porn addiction is what led us both to Christ. I am very proud to say…..my husband has earned his 30 day chip and is on to earning his 60!!! 56 days of not giving in to temptation……that is something to celebrate. That is God’s grace!!!!! 

 

 

 

An open letter from a wife of a porn addict.


Dear porn addicted husband,
        For years, your actions and decisions to watch porn have slowly ruined me. You hurt me with your lies, and your secret fantasies. The more you were on your phone, the more I had to worry. The more you ignored me, the more I had to worry. The more you lied to me, the more I had to worry.
       Your fun, your wondering lustful eyes, your secrets and lies have given you so much pleasure. But what am I left with? Here I sit with all the pain, with all the hurt, the brokenness, all from your decision you made to engage in pornography. Was it worth it to you…to destroy my self esteem and my self worth? Was it worth it to you to destroy yourself and our marriage?
        You can go about your day like its just another day. You walk around like everything is fine. You sleep just fine. You are just fine.
         I go about my day with worry. My mind is filled with thoughts that you could never imagine. You say you understand. But how can you?
     I hope you understand this…..Your porn use has made me lose myself. I no longer trust because of your lies. I barely sleep because your addiction haunts my dreams. I don’t like going places because I compare myself to other women. I constantly watch your every move. I cry on a daily basis. My anxiety has overtaken me and consumes my every waking moments.  My thoughts are exhausting. My fear is exhausting. I am exhausted.
        I am ruined. I am destroyed. I am not enough for you. I am not good enough for you. My boobs aren’t big enough. My thighs are too jiggly. My clothes aren’t revealing enough. I’m not skinny enough. I am just NOT enough. I will NEVER be enough.
        You say “i love you,” but I don’t believe it. You say “I’m sorry,” but those are just words. You say “you have nothing to worry about,” but I do. You say “porn has nothing to do with you. You are beautiful.” But my self esteem has been destroyed all because you wanted to watch some porn. All because you wanted to pleasure yourself. All because you couldn’t only have eyes only for me. All because you are selfish. Was it worth it for you…to ruin me the way you did? To ruin our marriage the way you did? How do we go on with all of this baggage. All of this brokenness. My dear Husband, please know one thing that I have slowly learned…..
         As much as I want to blame you…This addiction is not your fault. I don’t blame you. I am not angry at you. I do not hate you. This addiction is societies fault. I blame society. I am angry with society. I hate society. The temptation is all around you everywhere you go and consumes you as much as my thoughts consume me.
          You are strong. You are better than this. I have not lost faith in you.
       I will overcome this. You will overcome this. We will overcome this. I will have self esteem again. I will trust again. I will sleep peacefully again. I will believe the words from your mouth again. I will love you fully and you will love me fully. This will take time and be hard work….but our marriage will overcome this!